Life

Losing it all

2011-05-24T00:16:00.001+04:00

Some days,I wake up and I'm at the verge of losing it,
I see everything I worked for falling apart...
My mind constantly says, why me? why now?
I' m speechless...find no explanation...
I turn on the news...
and I see...
hunger in Africa...
I see people lost their loved ones because of a tsunami...
I see earthquakes, and homeless people...
I see people suffering for their basic needs...
I see people shouting loud for freedom...
I see pictures of a child checking the garbage for a piece of bread...
I see mothers' tears and sorrow for losing their young ones...
And, I feel ashamed, of being impatient for losing my dad...
I feel ashamed of being ungrateful for the fancy dinner I had...
I feel ashamed for sleeping tight in my bed last night...
I feel ashamed of shedding tears for Things I lost...
And I say forgive me God if I was greedy and didn't thank you enough for all the blesses I had.

An Ultra Vision

2010-04-25T12:28:00.003+04:00

When I open my eyes every day to what is happening and what is going on around me, to the same daily slow passing routine of going nowhere, doing nothing important, and hearing the same recurring daily question of: what should we do to fix everything?...I feel helpless...I feel hopeless...my gaze at nowhere never ends...I have no answer to others' questions...the list of “if” sentences burden my shoulders so heavily that I feel, it can no longer hold my head on top... I lay my head back on the sofa...close my eyes...and wish that time stops there...at the same moment...ah..Dear God...I wish you hold me tight and tell me that it's alright...or tell me somehow that You will put an end to the sufferings...or you will finally take my soul and let it rest in heavens in peace... God I wish those days... that I would never open my eyes again…I wish I would never be forced to see again all that pain and bewilderment in everybody's' eyes...of the uncertain tomorrow...or see their hopes crashed to the ground more day after day........

And days go by...day after day...and nothing of that happens...those hopeless wishes of eternal peace I had the other day never comes true...then I start looking more closely...after all, what I have plenty of these days is free time… I take a distant position from where I'm standing... I check my problems as an outsider…it’s only then that I see My dearest, my love, my God...what greater gifts you are pouring into your humble servant's life...you are keeping my mind busy with small,trivias issues that seem so large to me at the time...while you are polishing my soul with such delicacy that I can hardly feel or understand but the divine heat of that polishing act brings me so close to you…so close that I feel you like I never did before...it’s only then that I know what I really missed, was You, and...God... how much I missed you...and how much I need you...I feel I'm so blessed to be allowed to get close to you that much to feel the warmth of Your love again...........
And...I open my eyes...to the TV news that talks about all the miseries people have around the world...from hunger...wars...earthquakes....etc...I say thanks God we face less challenges...i feel strong again, the entire burden has disappeared from my shoulders…I can hold my head high again…the problem is still there but I see it differently now, I see it as a bless…and more confidently I say...don't worry kids...for sure we will get out of this...we will pass this one too…Tomorrow is another day...

Life Train

2010-01-31T13:55:00.003+04:00

When we think that we are on the express train heading to the bright future; that is of the most times we have to be careful before we get lost at the end of the road or step down from the train in the land of nowhere. The beautiful sceneries of the road can only be seen when we slow down and pay attention to all the tiny details, when we appreciate the magic of every spot we pass by, when we memories the impression each person or part of the road left behind, when we take the time to leave all our gadgets behind and step down at each station for few moments to clear our mind, watch the pace of the moving trains, take a rest, have a cup of coffee and socialize, make friends and leave some friends behind, load or unload excess baggage needed to travel at ease to the intended destination…

Then with the experience we gained in moments we spent at the station step up again in the moving train or even if necessary switch trains to be on the right path towards the future, but what so ever never stay in a station unless we sure there lies the bright future we were headed for .
Sometimes we get caught by the pace, we forget to observe, to see, enjoy, listen, or step down at a station to take a rest…and suddenly the train stops… That is when we astonishingly wonder why the train stopped…why so suddenly…it might seem to be for an engine repair, or it’s an unexpected break down, but in worst cases bumps into something and causes great damages that cannot be recovered…
And we fume and wonder why…we curse and blame…although this is not as we think a sudden unexpected event or tragedy, this is the way of life to force us to stop and pay attention, it’s not a hindrance as we think and get furious for and blame everyone, it’s life who is sending a message to slow down before you miss your station and true destination.

Refuge

2009-11-17T01:20:00.004+04:00

My soul is shattered,
By what it knows and cannot apply
My heart is broken,
By the ones so close that cannot defy
My head is spinning,
With what they thought and what’s on my mind

Ow dearly God ,
Don’t you see my cries?
Don’t you hear my sighs?
Don’t you feel the ramping blood?
Flooding tears into my eyes
OW, OW, my dear God
reach out to my soul
heal out my wound
mend out my heart
and rest down my mind
ow, God, dear God
take me apart, and restore me back in one part
clear out my doubts
calm down my heart
bring back together all my missing parts
ow, my darling God
break me, shake me,
Burn me, melt me ,
And shape me back
Like an angel knight
Who takes by sword the ghosts of night
And brings back the light
To all dimming nights

Gratefulness

2009-11-14T00:45:00.007+04:00

The sun is down
My love is gone
My worries have ended
When you left the town
You were my sorrows
You were my hopes
You filled my world with untamed joys

You made me wonder
Why the sun rose
Why the wind blows
Why the sea flows
Why all deserts, garnished with red rose

You made me wonder?
Why the bird flies
Why my heart sighs
Why when you move around,
My blood rise,
To fill up my heart, with all butterflies
But the sun is down
And you left the town
My worries have ended, and all my whys.
Just left me silence
Silence and no whines
And,
All of a sudden, I burst in a cry
And my soul started all new whys
Why you were mine,
Why you left town,
Why you filled up my heart, with the red wine
You made me wonder
Why the come and goes
Why we all follow, what the wind blows
You made me shout
With all my heart
If you were the one
Then who is the One?
You rubbed me my life
You left me behind
You made me wonder, and ask all my whys.
And it was the One that heard my cries
That soothed my whines
That answered my whys
That filled up my heart
With a heavenly wine
Cleansed up my soul of toxic thrives
He became the One, my only one
You became someone that was no one
You led my heart, to love the One
The only One,
The only source of everyone
The love of the One
Who is forever, my Everyone.

Parting Road

2009-10-25T16:49:00.006+04:00

He was on his way
I was on my way
There was no fellow to show us the way
He was alone
I was alone
Both were trying to get us home
We were at the midst, of nowhere
We were driven, out of despair

It was dark, it was cold
There was no sound
In the haunted road

I said to myself
Why should go the road?
He said to himself
Why should go the road?
But the wind blow
And the night, strow

He said with fun as it was a game
Let’s get together and find the aim
I said with shame
Where is the aim, what is the game?
He said life is the game with a tune of blame
I said with despair
Life is no game
Life is the aim
Getting together will cause a flame
A Flame that might live
Or burn us both, leaving no name
Life is no game
Life is the aim
To get home soon
Stop the, drain
Stop the, pain
Stop playing fool, when there is no game

Stay on the road
We all are owed
We should be stowed
With all the load
To reach the aim
To know the game

He just bowed his head with shame
He said no
I will let you go
Life, to me, not more than a game
I either lose, or collect the fame
You are alone
You are on your own

Hurt of the shame
For being the same
Without the game
I saw the light
I saw a beam

I took the road
Although I was slowed
But my heart glowed
With the beam of light
With my home on sight
I found my way
I found the ray

Shadow of my Dream

2009-10-24T21:58:00.004+04:00

I saw the shadow of my dream
It was so far, it was a beam
It was a fancy house at the park
With large windows open to stars
All my neighbors were fairly polite
And other people were strongly bind

There was the peace
There was a feast
And all the roses were at its peak
It was somewhere out of the world
Where all beauties, getting unfold
No existence was ever banned
Only the devil could never land
Was it above, was it below
I could never say, that is for sure
It was just, a big fancy world
With lots of stars cast on the globe
A world which had, no fear, or pain
Everyone was joyful and sane
He was there, they were there
There were all for fun and fair
He was the love
He was the hope
He was the center of all globe
I was devastated
I was stunned
I was mesmerized by all the fun
He was there
He was the love
He was the hope
He was the center of the globe
It was a shadow, only a dream
It was a hope, of eternal gleam

Reason Talks

2009-10-23T11:46:00.008+04:00

It was reason me and my heart
All three talking trying to be smart
Reason told us over that night
When life is over, and there is no light
your choices there then become alive
The judgment starts for all your strive
Was it good, was it right
Was it to ease people’s plight
Was it to be always forthright?

Or to renounce some people’s right
Was it evil, was it mal
Was it all against moral
Was it a selfish man’s delight?
Did you help, or did you shun,
or did you make poor ones to run
Was it lust, was it desire
That made you fall in to that fire
What were your choices?
What were your hopes?
Tell me so I tell you where you will last
Was it to cherish an honest heart?
Or a selfish ego to get more smart
Was it to just, have all the lust?
Caring not at all, of rights get lost
Was it to pile all the cash at once?
Caring no more, who might get crushed?
What were your choices?
What were your hopes?
And the heart replied
All the love of world
And the ego said not enough at all
I need so more
I need it all
I want whatever my hands can hold
And the heart said
I need less much
I don’t have thrust, for what you lust
I just need to bust
A love I can trust
A love that would make
All my blood at once
Run dance in my veins
To bring me bunce
And the ego said,
Hahaha, haha
Hahaha, haha
When you have the must
The Cash you can trust
You will have the love
You will have the lust
You will have all that
You really thrust
Reason said no more
Heart knew it all
But the ego so smart
Try hardly to find, its own way out
Yet, when the light is gone
There is no fun
Only choices talk
For what you provoked
And the time is gone
The choice is done
Spare times are none
You are all done.

What Women want

2009-10-22T17:49:00.001+04:00

Having all roles a woman can have in her life, this single question kept barging in my mind:
Does a woman really like to have a career and be in the business world, or feminism did her a big harm getting her out of her house and putting a double burden on her shoulders, raising kids, and pursuing a career? Being a single mother and running a business is forcing me to seek the answer of my counterparts, would you as a woman like to have an outside work, or it's only the pressure of media that forces you to seek and prove your being by working in a full time job? Wouldn’t prefer to live in the old days when a man was the supporter of the family?

Heart Beat

2009-10-22T15:41:00.002+04:00

It was dark, it was cold,
There was no one, but my hopes
Out on my windows sat a nice dew
And in my mind silence with a dim glow
What is beating?
Is it my heart?
Why it’s beating?
Is there a spark?

Why it’s dancing with all mooning lights???
Why it’s beating?
In this chilly night
Is it a wish trying to blast?
Or an illusion, of what sought in the past
Is it my dream turning to a gleam?
Barging out to light
In the midst of night
Or just my dreams are getting repacked,
Out of no sight of any dim light
Hush, hush my heart,
Keep the beats down,
Don’t be so foul
Don’t sing it loud,
If it’s a wish coming so true,
Or it’s a dream, living out the night
Keep it quiet and out of the sight
Don’t sing it loud, don’t dance so wowed
Let the morning light,
Give it the fight,
And make it thrive.
In my dark room,
me and my dreams
We were planning for the coming spring
Longing for night to keep going on
I saw the light rush its way along
I said to myself
Keep it quiet,
Don’t sing it loud
Don’t make a riot;
Before the morning light
Would take it out
Keep it in your heart
And dance in the night
And let the morning light
Think coming in twice

Age of Defeat

2009-10-20T23:20:00.002+04:00

They say it’s the age of power
It’s the age of defeat
The age of spaceships, nano and microchips
I say it’s the age of hope
It’s the age of love
The age of soul, faith and belief
They say seize the day
And leave the soul, faith and love on its own
I say seize the warmth of an honest heartily soul
They say no wonder you stay always on your own
I say my loneliness is filled with all major hopes
What you have to seize other than empty cold feet
Running after power, dynasty and defeat
They say what you had of believe and leave
I say I have a world of knowledge
That keeps generations read
What we had in common
In ages of defeat

My Love Grace

2009-10-20T01:46:00.004+04:00

When I think of you,
I feel the peace hushing me down
When I think of you,
I see my bare foot, touching wet meadows ground
When I think of you,

There is no sound but the waves of night
And a warmth that travels with my veins
To reach all my cells and even my brain
To give me the shiver of the coming fever
To send me back,
To where I belong
To send me home,
To tell me land,
Land, land my humming bird
End the long lasted trek
You’re back home
You’re where you, belong
Don’t look no more
Here is what you looked for
Here is my soul
To fill up your heart
With all missing joys
Of the land of grace

A Creature Called Mother

2009-10-19T00:59:00.003+04:00

Mothers are the strangest creatures God created. They hold the fetus for nine months in their wombs, carrying him around all the time. They feel awful the first few months, yet they say nothing. They quit smoking, eating or drinking things they always loved. For nine months, they cannot have any rest or sleep; it starts with vomiting, and goes on with feeling ugly and heavy, having headaches, backaches, and pain in their tummies and legs most of the times. They turn big after being the cutie girl, their bodies’ shape starts changing, their tummies get big, their hands and feet starts swelling and they worry all the time whether that fresh looking body will be once again like it used to be. They worry every moment about the movement of the baby. They go through several laboratory tests to

check the baby's health. When in labor, they experience the most strange and unbearable pains, yet they accept it and go through it. In a glimpse of an eye, when giving birth to their babies, they turn from being little mummy's girl, to a grown up woman, that is always worried about a cute little creature called baby.
She worries about the result of each test they conduct on her newborn baby. She feels that a part of her soul is captured in that tiny small body, his pains are her pains, and his smile lights up her world and gives her a joy that she never ever experienced before. They become so connected that only after few days, she learns her babies’ language. Each type of crying signifies something, one for milk, another for changing diapers, a sharp one for tummy pains, and a weaker weeping sound for feeling sleepy...and the list gets bigger day by day. She takes care of him 24 hours a day, and never complains, enjoys looking at him for hours while he is sleep, feels her heart has moved to that tiny body of his, and that her heart now synchronizes its beats with every breath the baby takes.

Her world is now as wide as the circle surrounding her child, and includes only the people who are in some way have something to do with that baby; from doctors, family members, friends…etc. The center of her attention is now limited to her baby, and others find their importance and position in her life according to their closeness to that center. She keeps asking others different kinds of questions, regarding all the issues related to her kid, from feeding, bathing, calming, dressing…etc. This creature, the mother, suddenly finds out that she is all ears and eyes; she watches every step of her infant’s growth will all her senses. She guards him with her life, till the day he is ready to go to kindergarten.

Foolishly, some young mothers think that their worries would be less by then, since others now share with her taking care of that kid; but soon she realizes that the circle of her worries is just getting bigger and bigger day by day. Mrs. Mother has to worry now about the kind of treatment her child receives from others, starts caring about her his friends and their attitude, she has to care now about everyone her kid cares about, because she simply seeks her joy in the happiness and satisfaction of her kid. Just when she thinks the worries are getting less the boundaries of that circle of worries gets bigger and bigger day by day to contain, school mates, friends, teachers, and each and every one that is in contact with that creature called her child. The extension of that circle starts to lose its limits as the child grows bigger and bigger. Now all the institutions that have to do something with her kid’s life are attracting her attention. She wants him to eat well, so she worries about the food quality and prices, and all the organizations that control it. She wants him to have the best education, so she starts worrying about all the educational system and staff. She wants to have a good future so she starts learning about making his dreams come true…etc. One day all of a sudden she realizes that she even cares about the ozone layers, since it has an effect on her kid’s life.

And naively men through ages keep wondering:

Why would women interfere with men’s world and their issues?

Why women are everywhere?

Why they are the first people to protest against injustices?

Why women risk their lives easily for others?

Why women can manage heavy shift jobs like nursing, easily?

Why women jump in front of a car to save a kid’s life?

Why women are the most contributors in the Red Cross?

Why mothers are the most understanding and kind creatures?

Why women can manage to do several tasks at a time?

Why Islam says heavens are laid beneath mothers’ feet?

Why Quran gives woman such a high position in human life and orders everyone to respect them?

It all has one simple answer:

Because women and mothers, are those heavenly creatures; who constantly and throughout the ages saved the world from self-destruction.

Women by giving birth to a child start the worrying process of their life, a process that never ends, by raising kids they develop strong tolerance, become more sensitive, more aware, more alert, more careful, meticulous observer, heavy task deplorer, more informative, and highly devoted. They become the essential part of making the world a better place to live. By raising kids, they develop a caring sensation about all the factors that would affect their kids’ lives, and help in achieving the goal of making their children happy creatures.

Mothers, by giving birth to the tiny creature called infant, in fact infant and nurture their own tiny whiny soul to turn from a little girli to a woman and the mother of earth.

Hope(3)

2009-10-17T00:13:00.004+04:00

With every beat of my heart

With every drop of my blood

With every inhale of my breath

With all my soul

I guard you my hope

Cherish you, and hold you

Cause you, my hope

Are my ropes to hold

And climb the mountains high

You are my wings

To fly high in the skies

You are my feet

To run out the haunting past

You are my log

To hang on and pass over

Oceans of depression times

you are my light

In my darkest nights

I guard you my hope

With every beat of my heart

Peace of Mind

2009-10-16T00:07:00.005+04:00

When I see the sun defeating the night
When I see the sea defeating the land
When I see the wind force out the dust
When I see the rain wash out the dirt
When I see the fire devour all the filth
I say to myself,
Rise up summer sun and end up my nights,
Wave blue seas and land me I’m lost
Blow; blow winds, clear my dusted heart of all worries and pains
Fall spring rains and wash out my wounds
Burn my depressions you crawling burning fire
Put me at rest,
You sun, sea, wind, rain and fire,
Bring back my peace,
Before I’m lost in my being desert

Sweet Dreams

2009-10-15T01:56:00.008+04:00

I feel different tonight,

Drunk with no wine in my veins,

Happy with no cash in my hands,

Crazy with no thoughts in my head,

I just feel free tonight,

Feel like a flying bird

Back home after the long cold winter nights...

I feel different tonight,

Happy as a mindless child,

Like a naughty kid who turns the house upside down

I feel different tonight,

Like a seventeen falling in love for the first time in her life.

I feel different tonight,

Like I won the Nobel Prize,

God, I feel so different tonight,

Like the spring breeze blowing under the wrinkles of time,

Yes I feel different tonight,

I feel like a sweet dream,

Barging in that endless night,

I feel different tonight,

Like you’re coming back home

With all the roses,

To flourish the unfulfilled joys of my forgotten time

Hope(2)

2009-10-14T22:16:00.006+04:00

In the most darkest nights...when you never expect a glitter of hope..remembe, always, that the darkest moment of the night is exactly the moment before sunrise..then suddenly a call, an email, a letter,
a concidence, a newborn baby's cry, an idea........etc.

Silence

2009-10-13T23:37:00.001+04:00

Some turnning points in life are so hard that drains all your energy out...you just want to hold your breath, , and close your eyes till the train of life passes fast through that scary tunnel at that turnning point...cause you're not a child anymore...Silence is what matures keep, not a loud cry.

Flash Back (1)

2009-10-12T00:55:00.002+04:00

It was almost 9:30 pm; she put her kids to bed at 8 as usual. she had to talk to them like she did every night till they go to sleep, her kids were never like others, they did not like bedtime stories, they just wanted her to review with them what happened during the day, just like three grownups they discussed everything with her…asking questions, judging her decisions, gossiping, and offering solutions to their current problems. Her kids were so close in age that everyone would consider them as triples, and the older was no more than 7 years old.

She turned all the lights off, went to her kitchen where she was sure her kids will not hear her voice. With the lights off she still could see the sparkling shinning floor; she spent all day cleaning her big three bedroom apartment. Sat down on the floor holding her leg tied to her chest, and laying her back to the ref door, staring at the dim lights coming in from the kitchen window …her warm tears started falling down on her bony cheeks…there was no sound…it was more than a week that she held the sale of her second hand stuff..Yet she could not sell much…the tears kept coming down silently...When he left he told her he will be back soon...he said he will try his luck in one of the neighboring countries…but its more than six months now since he left…every time he calls its just promises and promises…nothing new…when she says she has no more cash…he says manage..how should she manage…her kids… school fees…the rent…the bills…the landlord…what should I tell him tomorrow…and the tears poured down wormer and faster …she was sobbing inconsolably…

She tried her best to hold up, to manage, she even did not tell no one about her conditions…no daddy everything is fine…he is sending me some cash every month…yes daddy he started his business there..Yes daddy don’t worry…

Hi mom…everything is fine…don’t worry…

What should I do God, how should I manage…why….why God???????????????

She just turned 27 last week, she said no parties till my husband comes back…I’m not in the mode for that…she thought party...what…I hardly can feed these hungry mouths of my kids…how can I party….

They still think I’m the same rich woman who invited her friends all the time…what friends….I have to hide from everyone till he comes back…how I can tell… I even cannot afford my daily grocery….

-Sharon, why you are selling your fancy dresses, they’re all new

-I don’t have enough space, anyways I’m not going to use them anymore…you know me

God it’s so hard…I never thought ill see days like this…you have to tell me what to do…I have no one but you…help me Go—ddd……

-She is my lovely rose, dad I promise to cherish her like a red rose whole my life, she is my queen.

He opened the car door and she sat in feeling the butterflies dancing in her stomach….the car smelled like roses…she was madly in love…she never felt that way before…it took her only one month to fall in love with this handsome guy who came forward to ask her hand from her daddy…yes she knew him since childhood as far acquaintances but never thought he will be her husband someday…

he said he will cherish me like a red rose…..where is he now to see what is happening to his red rose…he did not even care to ask me where how did I come up with the cash the past six months…

she refrained from saying anything…she thought she should not bother him with their problems since he is far from home…it’s not right…wise women can manage while the husbands are away………

for the past ten minutes she was just staring at the dim city lights…her mind was blank…her tears dried up on her cheeks…

it was supposed that she would give the two months due rent to her landlord tomorrow night, but the sales did not go well, and she was too proud to ask the help of her brother or her father…

--yes, coming…coming…just a second…

Who is this so early in the morning, God...i feel my bones cracking…I’m so tired...

It was about 7 am

--hi Sharon, remember us, we were here few days ago.

--yeah, yeah

--I wonder if you still have anything left from the night dresses and the ……… (She numbered all the things she wanted)

--yes, they are still there, it’s only that I already packed them, are you sure you need all the items you mentioned, coz you know it’s not easy to bring them out from the store room.

--yeah I’m sure, in fact I will pay you the total amount now, just give a receipt in which you will mention that I can pick up today after noon, I came before I go to my shop, and you know the traffic………

Sharon could not hear a thing after that……

ENDLESS QUEST.

2009-10-09T14:57:00.002+04:00

The problem with us human beings is that we know everything but when it comes to applying the rules to our lives, it becomes so hard…

We know God is kind, God is merciful, God is forgiving...but it's so hard to wait....so hard to be patient……..

We wish for something, we pray to God to make it come true, and we try our best to do what we have to do, then we have to wait till the right moment to see that dream come true....that waiting…That being patient....is something which make us tired and hopeless...

After having faith and being patient for sometime…

Suddenly we get angry from God...

We start to curse...we shout out loud ...WHAT DID I DO WRONG GOD...why this is happening to me...why my dreams are so distant and far from me.....why every step I take...every move I make...ends me up with a bigger disappointment.......OW...God...do you hate me that much...don't you say that you love all the people equally...so why you leave me alone in this....I will not ask you for anything anymore.............

Hopeless, disappointed, lonely, heartbroken you lie down...wake up…and lie down again….and days pass by...you stop talking to God...you stop asking Him for things you want...sometimes you even deny your faith in Him.....

And you know in the bottom of your heart that you are only angry with him...but still wish He makes your dream come true.....

One day all of a sudden...something happens...something that makes you jump up and down and you feel world is in your hands..You are happy again...it’s not what you wished for...it’s even better....

God have given you something greater.....even though you were mad at him....

You know this was not the first time you lose your patience with God, yet you do act in the same way every time…every time you face a problem.....and the most Merciful most Companionate gives you more each time...you feel ashamed….

Why do we human beings are so ungrateful...why we forget every time what we have....what we got…why we forget the precious gifts we receive from God every time.....

Why do we know everything...and yet we forget...we lose our faith...we lose our patience...and run in the same hollow circle between faith and denial…hope and disappointment...between love and hatred…WHY?????????????????????????

Where is my soul?

2009-10-09T12:42:00.003+04:00

Some days you wake up and it seems like you lost your soul in your dream, you walk around...you feel nothing...just like a dead body walking around...feel nothing...hear nothing...see nothing...care about nothing...

You wonder where did I lay my heart...what happened...you want nothing...you wish nothing.......

Is there a heart in my chest...is there a soul within this dead walking flesh....where did I lose myself....

Nothing is changing...nothing matters to you...no jokes make you laugh...no sorrows make you cry....

It’s like walking in straight line that has no end.................

You ask yourself where I lost my soul....you cannot even open your mouth to spell a word......

just gaze to a lost point...seeing nothing...ow...there is no memories...nothing........just a big hollow space in your brain...no heart in your chest....no soul in your body..........

Some days........you even forget you're breathing........its only silence and nothing more.........

Who are you????????

2009-10-07T20:11:00.003+04:00

If we consider the evolution theory of Darwin as true, (although I don’t); and if we believe that human beings are defined by the essence of their soul, then the boundaries that a human soul can reach are defined by two ends, one end meeting the animalistic essence and the other end meeting the celestial heavenly core. Accordingly we can characterize people according to the degree of their closeness to each of these boundaries.

Some people are like cats, they look sweet, their meow’s are so nice that makes you want to keep them forever, but you discover that they are mean and rude when it comes to fulfilling their desires, as soon as they see a mouse moving they run after it, forgetting all the good you’ve done, and if you try to stop them they stick their nails into your flesh and the meow turns into a roaring scary sound, and when they are gone they are gone, never remember you again.

Other people are like dog’s, they guard you by their lives, they remain loyal forever, they bark in the face of any stranger that wants to you harm, they follow you where ever you go, they will be happy with a piece of bone, and they always come back, yet their place is always outside the house, unless you’re so lonely that you’re ready to share them your bed.

Some people are pigs, they eat dirt, they live in dirt, and hearing their sound is annoying. Everyone just sees them as an ugly being, and some see them as good flesh.

There are people who are just like monkeys, they imitate every move you make, jump all the time from a branch to a branch, and although they look inferior to other animals, they act like they are wise and know everything. Sometimes you doubt whether they are idiots as they jump around and play or they are wise and intelligent as when they just stare at you and rub their head and all of a sudden make a big wise move.

We also meet some people who act like a noble horse, they are classy, walk with pride, famous for their chastity, when they like something or someone they move their tails in an act of respect. When they are tamed they stay loyal forever, however, taming those most noble species need good talent and skills to deserve the ride.

One of the most unbearable kinds of people are the ones who act like bears, they just sit in a corner eat, and eat, and then sleep or lie down. They will not make a major move unless they dead hungry and find nothing to eat. When they have needs then they are the most dangerous animals on earth, they growl and growl and there is no escape from them.

Some people are like rats, a social animal that always runs around for a piece of cheese, live in holes the most humble accommodations. No one notice a rat unless they unite and come collectively to attack. Yet a piece of cheese will always satisfy them.

The most interesting ones are the lion like people, they hold their heads high wherever they go, everybody looks up to them and never know why. They look different, act differently, and never make a sound unless needed, kind of real classy one, force everyone else to silence at their presence. They only roar when it’s needed, to attract the opposite sex or to remind the others of their position in the woods.

The dangerous ones are those who are like snakes, they bite when you less expect it from an angle you rarely can imagine. They are a beauty with all that precious colorful skin and nice smooth moves. They fool you into believing they are exceptional and easily get close to you. When you are totally engaged with the magic of the moves, the skin and the strangely gazing eyes, they bite like poisonous dead. If you manage not to drop dead and heal from the bite you will never try to get close to anything like that again.

Fox like people greedy and opportunistic, always walking around quietly waiting for the right moment to attack. They always find the sheep like ones to show their power. Although they seem to want nothing their eyes always reveal their hidden malicious intent. If your fooled and don’t notice the mall intent then when the night falls you hear the barks the shivers your skin out.

People who remind you of cows or sheep are always tamed and giving, you keep them in your back yard, and they milk you, feed you, and never complain. They accept your control over them and move with your wand to whatever direction you lead them to pasture.

Most probably you wonder which kind of these people you have or want around you???
Referring to what was mentioned about the diversity of human soul; we can say that there is a thin line between the two ends, beastly and heavenly essence. We can downgrade our existence to be more close to the animalistic attitudes mentioned above or we can try our best to elevate our souls to pass that thin line and get close to the other end that ranks us as exceptional creatures called humans. Human beings, who, in all their life time, try their best to be kind, noble, loyal, friendly and devoted, their aim in life would be serving the human kind by their good deeds; they never expect much yet offer a lot. They are a joy to the honest hearts, and an elevated example for the pure souls to follow. They are unique resemblance of all the good traits of all God’s creations. They are like heavenly breeze; they bring joy, happiness, and the sweet smell of spring flowers to the gardens of human soul.

Clumsy Conversation

2009-10-06T21:41:00.003+04:00

They say: Be positive, don't be so negative....
I say: I’m ok, just a bit worried.
They say: Why worried, worried or not what should happen will happen.
I say: You know nothing; you don't have a clue of what I’m going through.
They say: Can you change it?
I say: No.
They say: then accept as it is, have patience and wait, you are at a turning point, hold on see where life is headed with you.

I say: ...........................................................
They say :............................................................
I think: (they might be saying the right thing, I SHOULD STOP WORRYING, WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN; it’s still so hard, and have no other option).

A week after:

The phone keeps ringing, not sure if I should pick up………….
I say: Hello, yes
……………………..
I say: Really, ow…Thanks God, ow…thanks God, ok, ok, bye, thank you.

That was the call I was waiting for.

Fire of the burnning soul

2009-10-06T00:50:00.004+04:00

When you review what you wrote, you discover that what was powerful and profound was written out of pain. Pains are gains in writing. It melts you heart, burns your soul, and puts all the wisdom of your mind in chaos. Then your hands run on the key board and you write and write and feel that someone else is dictating you what to say and how to say it, then when you read it back you feel you wrote something different something genuine that you never knew you had within you.

When your full of hope full of love the power that forces you to write is the same heat of the pain, but mixed with a bitter sweetness, it’s a powerful fire within your soul that pumps your heart out and forces you to empty that energy and let the keyboard write what you cannot tell who cultivated that love or hope in your heart, you want to say more than what you say but not directly to the igniter of that fire which keeps you warm even if the world is freezing outside, cause even that hope, and that love is girdled with the fear of losing what you gained letting that fire burn your soul, melt your heart and put your all learned wisdom at chaos.

Soul

2009-10-04T23:25:00.002+04:00

How diverse the human soul is, one minute we feel like flying in the skies, the other moment we feel so down that no one can pick up the shattered pieces of our broken heart. What is it with us human beings that one word can change our mode so fast, one small kind impression elevates our spirit so high in the skies that we feel we can fly around the world and see the roses in all the natural colors, yet one small indifference brings us so down that we feel we can see the hot core of the earth burning in our hearts...God.. oh..Dear God...what did you cultivate in our veins that runs sometimes so fast that it would pump our hearts out..And other times the same blood in the same vein walks like a turtle on a sandy desert land that shows no signs of life or hope...

Hope

2009-10-02T23:03:00.004+04:00

We as Muslims....No, Pardon me it was a Wrong Start.. I think it's wrong to start a sentence like that, because Muslims, Jews, Christians, Buddhist, unbelievers or people from any tribe, sector or believe, are not good prototype or examples of what that religion, belief or ideology is trying to say. We can hardly find someone who completely abides by their ideology’s rules and instructions, most people are eclectic they choose what suits their life style and leave the other instructions aside.
Thus I think the right way to start my sentence is like this:

According to Islam and according to the Holly book of Quran all people men or women are equal no matter from what tribe, race, sect, nation...etc they are, all people are equal in front of God. He made us different from each other to get to know each other and learn more from the diversity, and only those who are noblest and pious are superior to the others.

Quran, Chapter 49, verse 13.

"People, we have created you from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes that you might know one another. The noblest of you before Allah is the most righteous of you. Allah is the knower, the aware."

You can hardly find someone that reads or hears a wise saying like that and would deny its wisdom, God states clearly that I do not care how you are ranked according to human standards from men or women, employers or employees, black or white, beautiful or ugly...etc, what I only care about is how noble, pious and righteous you are, that is my standards of ranking.

This does not mean that we should not respect those ranked above us in social life, however; it means, although this respect should exist it should not turn into fear, fear from losing something precious to us, things like money, position, possessions, or fear from risking our loved ones or even our own lives.

Quran, Chapter 63, verse 9.

"Believers, do not let either your possessions or your children divert you from the Remembrance of Allah. Those who do that shall be the losers. "

The biggest hindrance in human life is his fears, fear from everything; employee from his employer, inferior from his superior, and man over his possessions….etc, and this can never end.

The wisdom of God asking human beings not to fear anything or anyone but him lies in this fact, that if we all only consider God the only one who controls the world and accept His superiority, then no fear will stop us from progressing in life. I will discuss this more in another note.

What made me write this note was the sorrow I was feeling yesterday about losing certain things lately, when suddenly I remembered the above chapters and verses from the Quran and that comforted me and cheered me up, thanking God for all the good gifts I already have in life. Seems unrelated, it’s not. I remember that I mentioned in one of my writings earlier that my mind works things out mathematically, because I was always in love with that subject. Thus, I will put this in points reaching a conclusion hoping that this would make it easier to understand.

1. I believe in God.

2. So, I accept whatever He says and try to abide by His instructions.

3. God says as I mentioned earlier that all people are equal in His presence and only the more pious would be in higher ranking according to His scale.

4. This leads to believing that all people deserve to have a good life. People from all around the world, from all the continents and all countries.

Conclusion:

If we consider God, the creator, a creator that has no descendants, and as the only and the One to deserve worship, Then He would be the center of attention for everyone. Consequently we should only think about pleasing Him and only Him

then we will fear no one and nothing. ( Pleasing God in Islam means believing in Him, His messengers, and the judgment day, besides following His instruction in our ways of living, and serving human kind). This belief would give us the needed courage to face our fears in life and overcome them. On the other hand He tells us that we all are equal and should believe that no one is better than us unless he is nobler, which as a result gives us the courage to conquer the world and do the impossible fearing nothing even defeat and only seeking to please God by our noble acts, believing we have equal chances like any other human being, and having in mind the good of human kind. We will do our best at whatever we do and nothing can stop us, losing nothing can keep us for long because we believe that it happened for a greater purpose, besides we remember those who lost more or those who are less fortunate than us. We remember how fortunate we are losing less than others, if you are reading this then as a starter you have eyes to read, a pc to use and an internet connection to connect to the world, things that lots of people do not have. The second verse which says do not let either your possessions or your children divert you from the Remembrance of Allah, is a reminder to always concentrate on the greater purpose of being created by God. All of this would give us a super power called Hope, hope that life would not stay at a point, if your dark days made you believe there is no hope for a change, just remember the less fortunate and try again thanking God for what you already have and reviewing your acts for whatever wrong doing you had in the past and ask forgiveness of those you hurt…then you will see the bright lights of hope enlighten your dark nights and you will find a new self in you leaded by God to take the right step towards success. Maybe you needed this hindrance in your life at this point to Stop and have time to think clearly about where you are headed and discover new powers lying within your soul. That was what I reminded myself of in my own dark night last night.

Unfulfilled Wishes

2009-09-28T00:41:00.002+04:00

Sometimes you wish for something so badly that you keep thinking about it all the time...yet no matter how hard you try and how close you go to getting it, it always slips your hand at the last moment, and your wish stays unfulfilled.
What is it that makes us wish for things we can never get, and while we know it’s out of our reach we keep thinking about it all the time...

Even when we think we got disappointed and pretend that we forgot about it, we still wish in the bottom of our hearts that something would suddenly happen that makes our dream come true...
Yet; this never happens...
Long after that, one day, suddenly, and out of the blues the old dream comes true and you see what you wished for right in front of you waiting for you to catch it............but, you are not the same person anymore.... you have passed over that dream long time ago and the wish is not there anymore. You either got something better instead, or you the need for it is not there no more.....
Then you realize.....Why is it that sometimes we wish for things we can never get...it was a wrong wish...it was not what we really needed.

I'm a Survivor

2009-09-27T21:12:00.004+04:00

I was down today, turned on the TV carelessly, a comedy series just started, it was called Reba starring country music singer Reba McEntire . The song at the beginning of the series and the commercial breaks was like this...I'm a survivorrrr....I'm a survivorrrrrrrrr....

Surprisingly funny Reba was a newly damped and divorced lady with three kids, two girls and a boy. She is trying to get adapted to her new life in a funny way, and has to face lots of challenges, from supporting and handling three kids’ problems to dealing with the new life of a single mother.........
A I giggled and laughed the whole time, people's lives and problems are so much alike...we can easily turn our sorrows to a comedy scene and take it easy…cause this is life and…
I'm a survivorrrr....I'm a survivorrrrrrrrr....

Life Quest

2009-09-22T14:49:00.014+04:00

Did you ever think: what is it that we want, and if we get we will be completely satisfied, feel happy ever after, and
stop wanting more...
I guess.....nothing, I bet you can name lots of things you want, but you cannot say that's it, and I will stop wanting more and I will have no more desires.Did you ever ask yourself why the rich is missing health, the poor is missing money, the happy in love ones miss peace of mind, the sick miss health, the old miss being yo
ung, he younger’s want o get older, the single ones want to get married, and the married ones wish to be single again.....

Don't you feel that there is something that we all miss and we just foul ourselves by wishing for different versions of an illusion that we think holds the ultimate happiness. Even if you consider people's constant search for joy and happiness in everything, you will see no matter how much they get out of it they still end up with dissatisfaction and the greed for more.
So, what is it that we are all looking for and never find, if you analyze all the human desires you will end up to know that there is no one that can say for sure he feels satisfied and needs no more, there is always at best: I'm happy but if I could...., or if I had...., or If I was........There is always a missing part........No one knows the right answer...because a needy cannot lead the way to happiness, he will always be hindered by his own needs.
The missing part is the ultimate truth of happiness; we need to know the right answer to this question:
What is the truth of happiness?
The truth that reveals, the fact behind all our deepest needs and desires; and satisfies them in the most adequate way.
The One who has the answer to this question should be Superior to all the neediest, and their needs, He should be the Ultimate power that controls all the desires and creates them….
Don't you think that the One that reflects His beauty in everything He creates is our real answer to our life's quest?We are all looking for the Ultimate uncontaminated truth that holds nothing beyond it.
And most truly He says in His holy book of the Quran: Verse 22 ayah 5, and 6:
O people, if you are in doubt about the resurrection, remember that we first created you from dust, then, from a sperm drop, then from a clot, and then from a bitesize tissue formed and unformed, so that we might clarify for you. We establish in the wombs whatever we will for an appointed term, and then we bring you forth as infants, then you come of age. Some of you die, and some of you are kept back to the vilest state of life, after knowing somewhat, they know nothing. and you see the earth dry; but no sooner do we send down rain upon it than it begins to quiver and swell, putting forth every fine variety (of herbage). (5)
That is because Allah is the truth; he revives the dead and has power over all things. (6)
And the hour is sure to come there is no doubt. And Allah will raise up those in the graves. (7)
Some dispute about Allah, though they have neither knowledge nor guidance, nor an illuminating book. (8)

There is for him who turns his side to lead (others) astray from the path of Allah, degradation in this life and we shall let him taste the punishment of the burning on the day of resurrection. (9)

‘This is the reward for what your hands have forwarded. Allah is not unjust to the worshipers. ' (10)

There are among the people such who worship Allah and (yet stand) on the very edge. When goodness comes to him, he is content, but if a trial befalls him he falls upon his face, he loses this world and the everlasting life; that is indeed a clear loss. (11)

He calls to other than Allah, to that which neither hurts him, nor benefits him; that is indeed far error. (12)

He calls upon him whose harm is nearer than his benefit, an evil guide and an evil friend. (13)

As for those who believe and do good works Allah will admit them to gardens underneath which rivers flow. Allah indeed does what he will. (14)

If anyone thinks that Allah will not give him (prophet Muhammad) victory in this present world and in the everlasting life, let him stretch a rope to heaven, and let him sever it. Then, let him see if his guile does away with that which has enraged him. (15)

As such we have sent it in clear verses. Indeed, Allah gives guidance to whom he will. (16)
And the hour is sure to come there is no doubt. And Allah will raise up those in the graves. (7)

Days of My Life

2009-09-20T22:08:00.008+04:00

Did you ever ask yourself:
What if this was it?
What if it stayed the same?

What if we never hear the sweet melodies of the glorious past?
I have nothing to say today?
My heart and mind is full of nothing except a deep profound silence...
Are we growing too fast or too slow...?
Why I find nothing in what I hear, what they say, what I comprehend...
What is my role today?
Or...maybe the list of roles has ended...and there is nothing more to do...or say...
Maybe the ground should be shaken again...
Maybe the list should repeat itself.....
Maybe there is nothing more to it...
and that’s it........................................................

From a Hobby to a Career

2009-09-18T22:13:00.008+04:00

It happened exactly one month after my divorce, 7 years ago. I was a total ignorant when it came to computers, so I asked my sister to teach me how to use it. It took few days to learn the basics and get an ID in yahoo.I remember when she was trying..
to teach me how to use online search engines I was shouting at her not to do different tasks at one time...and she was making fun of me, I thought if she opened a new page the old one will disappear.

After a month I managed to buy a pc, and get connected...hehehe...I was so slow...so confused...but I started to use the help page in each application and go on from there...in less than 1 month of day and night constant act of exploring, I was an expert in using different types of messengers, the office word, and surfing the net.

Then I started socializing, finding friends all over the world. I was an MA student doing my major in English literature. My thesis was about comparing the role of modern woman in the literature of Black America, the Arab world and Iran…tricky one…needed lots of work….I had to read lots of books online and do lots of researches, so I talked to different people. Sometimes I was asking them about problems I had and they guided me kindly, other times I used the help button or just kept searching through all the search engines for people who had the same problem and tried their solutions.

Since school days I was in love with physics and mathematics, why I got involved with studding literature for my masters is a long story I will tell later,

However; my desktop pc and the internet world became a puzzle that I had to solve mathematically…(it’s kind of hard to explain, I’ll try my best)...
My mind was an analyzer who would not just depend on luck to learn or solve an issue related to the IT world….
Why I jumped to the digits world…aha...just wanted to explain how my mind was working at the time exploring this new world.
So, let’s organize what I said here:

1. A divorced housewife who never stepped out her household, a complete IT ignorant started using her first pc.
2. Using the messenger and finding friends to talk to made it an appealing world to the housewife.
3. The master’s thesis needed more work, research, and online reading, so surfing the net was the next step I took.
4. Doing all that needed the use of office word, to type in my notes, summaries and conclusions.
5. Started using the help from the start for each application to ease my way out of the problems I face and to avoid the funny smile on my sis face.
6. All the time even in my dreams I was practicing what I learned and reviewing my mistakes.

One day, suddenly I found myself to be a real expert in managing whatever was related to this invention called pc…and yes my sis, not only one of them but all of them
( I have 4 sisters) started calling me at least twice a week asking about how to do a certain thing or use a certain application, or how to reinstall a new operating system, or get rid of a virus………YES… I WENT THAT FAR…..even more it was only last week when the netbook (simply saying a netbook is a small size laptop) I had suddenly stopped working…and it was out of warranty...so I brought my especial toolbox and took the escrow driver out to open the cover of the netbook and fix it…that was when I heard my sis husband making fun of what I was doing, HE IS AN “IT” EXPERT, I said nothing.. Just continued what I was doing…and yes my netbook was up and right working again after I did what I had to do...
I felt so proud of myself, I never attended any classes for that, I just tried constantly and insistently to learn what I had to learn to be good at what I really loved. This has opened the windows to a bigger world with lots of more opportunities in life for me which I will tell you about later.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is;
No matter how disappointed you are….
No matter how simple minded and ignorant you are…
No matter how much fun others make of what you do….
Always;

1. Find something that you’re enthusiastic about even if it scares you….
2. Get some help to start…
3. Then try as hard as you can to gather as much information as you can, and don’t be scared to ask silly questions.
4. Now with the information you gained spend days and nights trying, trying, and trying...
5. Never stop, even if you got disappointed…stop for an hour, a day, but not more than a week, and try again…
6. Probably you will fail lots of times or ruin lots of things….always review and go through what you did to learn from your mistakes.
7. One day, all of a sudden the miracle will happen and you will be in full command over what you were trying to accomplish, and you will feel so proud no matter how small the task was.

Life Journey

2009-09-17T18:19:00.006+04:00

It's funny how life still has so many surprises for us......

When you take it for granted, it just turns everything upside down,

To tell you don't get used to it, it will never stay the same...

To my surprise life had so many hidden things for me again....

And I keep wondering, would I ever settle down...

I was on the top, with full command over my life........

And the storm of the credit crises came to shake everything upside down....

Like an earth quick,

It ruined everything, it was sudden, and it was unexpected.....

When I wake up from the shock, all I could see was the ruins everywhere....

Could not say anything....

Wherever I looked I just saw dead ends...

But kept in mind that I was gifted to be safe, me with all the members of my family....

And, day by day I saw a new self in me...

A new self emerged out from the ruins...

It looks like me, but it’s not me...

It’s a much stronger self...

A self that kept telling me, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON...

The broken parts of my life and soul were lying just in front of my eyes...

I could not even collect them and attach them together...

I just left everything to God...

I was stuck in a corner that had no way out...

While still watching what happens...

While still amazed and shocked...

Isaw the broken parts fitting together in the most strangest way, a way I never thought possible...

A new image of my life was now in front of me, a one that I never expected.....

A new image of me...my soul...and myself......

God

2009-09-17T11:47:00.005+04:00

When I was in India..
I saw lots of different god's being worshiped there, from cows to stones and idols..

In Europe...
I saw people believe God has a son, and a true Christian has to talk to the father in church about his sins to be forgiven. ..

In other countries....
I saw people deny the existence of God.....

As a Muslim...
I believe that God is so close to us even closer than our jugular veins, as it’s mentioned in the QURAN, Verse 50, and ayah 16:
"Indeed, we created the human. We know the whisperings of his soul, and are closer to him than the jugular vein." (16)

It was not a philosophical comparison....

Just a thought that crossed my mind and wanted to share...

Since lots of people must got stuck sometime, somewhere, in a life corner...

Where one feels no one can help...

And you don't have access to your idols or the temple to pray to your gods or awaken them by ringing the bills.....

The father of your church is far from you...he cannot hear your confessions... he cannot tell you: son your sins are forgiven and you will be saved....

And,

Life is precious you don't want to lose it....

You need someone who has the ultimate power to help...

You feel something inside you tells you there is someone that can hear your cries and whispers from where you are....

You are so hopeless.........

From whatever region you are....

No matter what language you speak.....

Or from which race or societal ranking you are....

If you believe in God as He says "Indeed, we created the human. We know the whisperings of his soul, and are closer to him than the jugular vein."

You will start talking to Him in your own language...

In your own humble words...

No matter where you are...

You will ask him for help...

You feel the inner peace when you know, He is always there for you...

He knows the whisperings of your soul.....

And He is so close to you that you can whisper your hearty thoughts to.....

You don't have to reveal your sins in front of other human beings....

You don't have to keep an idol with you wherever you go...

It was just a simple thought..........
Is it better to have a God that knows...
All the whisperings of the soul...
All the languages of the world...
And considers all human beings as equal in front of Him no matter from what race or region they are....
OR
To believe in idol gods that you have to watch over and carry around......
OR
To believe that revealing the sins you made to the clergy would only purify you....
What if you made sins and got stuck somewhere, you have no access to the clergy.....
And you are in the middle of nowhere....
Don't you think it's much easier to believe in a God that says:

"Indeed, we created the human. We know the whisperings of his soul, and are closer to him than the jugular vein." (16) Verse (50)

Humanity

2009-09-16T23:52:00.004+04:00

When a woman gives birth to a child, it’s like part of her soul has shifted into a new being's body, a being that she has to watch closely from now on and all her life...
When that part of her soul shifts all her
hopes and dreams, her world... is not as small as it used to be...all the departed parts of her soul now keep her alert all the time...her dreams grow bigger and wider as the horizon circling her kids grow larger...

When you are one, your dreams, hopes and worries are all kept in your mind and soul....but when you have kids..part of that privacy is revealed...you become vulnerable...your soul spreads its wings around...you start worrying about their food, their life, their hopes, their dreams, their disappointments...etc.
And then you start worrying about the environment that governs your kids, the community, the institutes, the people they meet and they know...
Then your hopes, dreams and worries find new horizons...because you start thinking about not only your kids but other people's kids, the community, Humanity and the universe..
That's when you realize God's wisdom in cultivating this love into parents hearts...the small funny creature called baby...will force you someday to care about not only him but the community, the world, the universe and the whole human race.

My Faith

2009-09-16T22:26:00.004+04:00

Was really hard to be where I am...had lots of challenges to face...One thing was always repeated in the same way...I was always hardly trying to get something or reach somewhere...and constantly was disappointed....

I learned the lesson, not always what we choose is the right choice for us...there are always better options..if we have faith in God and leave the matter in His hand...IT'S NOT EASY, I KNOW...but its always the best solution...

I know for sure now that if you trust God, and have patience...all those things that you hoped for...all those people that left you alone...and all those apportunities you lost...will turn back to you in the most glorious way.
The only problem is that when your disappointed and you feel you reached a dead end, it's not easy to leave the matter in God's had and feel fine...you are still worried ...and when your completely hopeless...have noone to turn to...you start to pray and hope again that God would solve it somehow...
Then someday unexpectedly, one call...one email...or a knock on the door...will bring you far more better things that you hoped for.